After Hours© 010: Confidence > arrogance

Welcome back to another After Hours – weekly tips to help you with freelancing and running your studio.

I’ve been reading through your responses this morning and one word I keep seeing pop-up is confidence.

This is such a common problem among creatives and entrepreneurs and one that Eden and I also struggled with.

Well… probably more me than Eden tbh. He'd have the confidence to win if he was a delicious zebra in a cage surrounded by hungry lions.

So anyway...

Today's topic: How to build confidence.
Estimated read time: ~6 minutes (Skim time: 2 minutes)

What kind of problem is this?

Building confidence is obviously a confidence problem but it's also a clarity problem because you can learn how to gain confidence.

Confidence can come naturally to some.
You could be born with it, it can be nurtured into us by our caregivers or you could be talented at something and the confidence grows over time.

But being confident isn't about being arrogant or based on how you look. Real confidence comes from within (yes I know cliche, but true).

Confidence is just another skill you can learn if you have the right tools.
Read on for a story or skip to solutions for your actionable steps.

Where does confidence come from?

For me, I was a super confident kid in primary/elementary school.

I was class captain every year, speaking up and speaking out on my opinions, always trying new hobbies, having singing lessons with kids twice my age, overcoming my fears, getting on stage alone when I hadn’t learnt my lines, not caring if I was bad at basketball and still playing anyway...

But then I hit high-school and that confidence slowly lessened over the years. Why? I’m not entirely sure. I’ll get back to you when I unpack it with my therapist. But I think it's fairly normal at this age to lose a bit of your "spark" while trying to fit in or figure yourself out.

On the outside, I looked confident, sure… I still had lots of friends and I wasn’t shy during these years. But I never had the confidence to put effort into anything, put myself out there or try new things like I did when I was younger.

This lack of confidence seeped into my early adult years. I went to university like everyone else, even though it always felt wrong. I got the corporate job because everyone told me to, and I cried in the bathroom everyday. I dressed in Acne Studios and Prada but my bank account said $0.

On the outside I had the job, the friends, the clothes, but truly I was not confident in any of my choices.

I was not happy. In fact, I was scared. Scared of making the wrong choices so I made none. Scared of looking out of place so I tried to do what everyone else was doing.

I lacked the confidence to take risks, make big decisions or truly believe in myself.

Eventually, I hit breaking point. I was so miserable with how my life was panning out and I knew this life wasn't for me. I had to make a change; a big change to see any results.

So over the next 4 years I did exactly that. Lots of change.

I quit my corporate job, travelled for 9 months, started my first solo business, I auditioned for acting, dancing and MC jobs, I moved into an apartment alone, started going to the gym and starting noticing who was good for me and who was holding me back.

These were all high-risk, filled with delayed-gratification and all very out of my comfort zone. And many of them made me so uncomfortable I thought I was more miserable than before. But only temporarily.

Over these years, I felt my confidence rise and rise until discomfort in new experiences and the unknown didn't feel so scary.

Now, today, I can say that I am a confident person. I feel like I can do anything I want and be positive in the decisions I make, even if the outcome is bad. I know there is no hurdle I can't get over and I have limited anxiety in taking risks and making mistakes.

Why? Well, read on for the solutions.

Solutions

There is a million ways to build confidence but it all starts with...
Getting out of your comfort zone and trying new things.

Your brain is scared of the unknown and that's normal. It's a threat; a threat to your life and the self you know so well.

What if it turns out worse?
What if everyone laughs at me?
What if... what if? what if?

Hey, I know it all too well.
But what if it turns out better than you imagined?

To build confidence you need to be taking risks. Small ones like taking a class in something you will be bad at or big ones like moving out of your home city. It's being scared and doing it anyway.

Additional ways to add to this confidence?

Calling yourself the title of what you are or what you're hoping to be: Writer, Designer, Founder... You're still a designer if you design with no clients, if you haven't pushed play on your business yet, you're still a founder and even if you're not a published author you can still call yourself a writer if you write.

Self-care: Not necessarily face masks in the bath but taking care of yourself through diet, movement and downtime. Start going to the gym or being more active. When you feel healthy, your brain works better, you look better and feel better overall = confidence.

Learn to love yourself: It's a bit cliche but how can you expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself?

Surround yourself with confident people: There's nothing worse than sharing an idea with someone for them to shut you down. Insecure people don't like confident people. Learn to spot them, cut them out or ignore them.

“You’ll look silly.” -- not your friend.
"That sounds hard but I'm sure you could do it" -- your friend

And finally, a bit of a glow-up: When you look good, you feel good. So again diet and exercise but opt-for clothes that feel like you, not what you think is cool. Go for good quality clothing, but you don't need to be adorned in Prada, because it's a waste of money and realistically you will look "cheaper".

The best looking people aren’t spending 100s of dollars on looking good or are decked out in luxury logos.

The glow up starts from being healthy and taking care of yourself.

This week you will

Step one: Get out of your comfort zone
Write down five things like; take a new class, post your work, ask for feedback, raise your prices, ask a "dumb" question, share an opinion, send a pitch, stand up to someone who's been bothering you or talk to a stranger.

Step two: Do one thing
Choose one thing from the list above and do it.

Step three: Routine
Make a new routine. For detailed routine building, read After Hours 005.

At a basic level, your routine should include: movement, work hours, creative play, connection, errands/personal admin and rest.

Respect for yourself and how you use your time is the ultimate confidence builder.

Step four: Glow-up
Go through your wardrobe and donate anything that doesn't align with who you want to be. Change your social media to say what your title is. Throw out the junk food and move your body more.

Start acting like the person you want to be and remember, confidence is built and earned by YOU.

You don't walk into a room and demand attention with arrogance and snapping your fingers.

You walk into a room and the attention is drawn to you because of the work you've put in.

Chat next week,
Penelope